The Creed of the Good Man Club (#3)

I would like to thank everyone who has written in response to the “Good Man Club”. We were all talking last night at the clubhouse about how amazing it is to discover that “Good Man Club” is an anagram for “A Long Bum Cod.” We all thought that was pretty funny. Also, we were really excited that it seems there is interest in good men after all!

All these years we’ve been gathering in our bunkers under Old Navy stores, taking refuge in the company of our fellow travelers of the long and lonely trail a good man must wander, warmed by our fellowship, and only occasionally being driven out into fresh air by the consequences of group overindulgence in refried beans. We have not been in hiding – nay, for we are not cowards! – but in our anonymity, we have been hidden from the sight of those who have turned against us when we were vulnerable, those who have sought to take advantage of our good natures; those who have, through their indifference, spurned the value that might have been ours to share had they only briefly set aside their interest in utterly draining our souls and will to live, and welcomed us into their hearts.

Of course, by doing so, we have also been hidden from the sight of some damn fine women, many of whom have been doing the same thing! Like two strangers passing in the night, noticing each other, but not stopping because each has mistaken the other for one of the guests on yesterday’s Jerry Springer show. (By the way, Lucinda, that guy who was hitting the cameraman with a chair does look a little like me, but I was hosting a charity event to benefit orphaned kittens at the time that show was filmed. So, it wasn't me.)

Many of you who have written, while you have expressed your admiration for our “goodness,” have asked what it is that we call the “good.” As some have pointed out, the “good” is not an empirical absolute, and as such, our claim to the term can be considered a priori, and therefore subject to qualification. Granted, none of you put it quite that way, but you did ask what we mean by “good.” We have decided to respond to these inquiries by publishing our creed, the solemn oath every good man takes as he is inducted into the ranks of the Good Man Club. Here, then, are the words we live by, the values that frame our approach to the world; here is the very heart that beats within… *ahem* Sorry. Anyway, the following is the Creed of the Good Men, a concatenative assemblage of characteristics which, in the absence of a categorical definition, comprise the system of values we choose to consider “goodness.”

Creed of the Good Men (which is, incidentally, an anagram for 'Enforced Hog Demote')

“I do solemnly swear that:

“I will not wipe my boogers under the couch cushions at my girlfriend's parent's house, even if I see her dad doing it.
“I will not try to blame my farts on the dog, or someone who has just left the room, unless it's really, really bad.
“I will offer to wash my date's clothes when I throw up on her.
“I will not stare at the woman in the tight silk dress as she walks by the table in the restaurant where my girlfriend and I are eating, no matter how certain I am that she is not wearing any panties.
“I will form my own self-consistent moral code, independent of the mores and conventions of society, in which righteousness and honor take precedence over the dogmatic tenets of post-Victorian morality that are ingrained in our culture. Also, I will not kick puppies.
“I will do my best not to poke anybody in the eye with a sharpened pencil unless it is absolutely necessary.
“I will not lie, cheat or steal, unless I must do so to keep my children from starving. Or my girlfriend asks me if she looks fat in those pants, in which case I will not prevaricate, or tell her that it's actually her fat that makes her look fat, but will instead invoke my fifth amendment rights.
“I will leave a note when I accidentally dent someone’s car with my shopping cart, unless I am in rural Missouri and cannot tell which of the dents is mine.
“I will courteously offer my handkerchief to any man whom I have just punched in the nose for slapping my girlfriend's ass.
“Above all, I will strive to set a good example for all men everywhere by treating others with respect, tolerance and fairness, and by changing my underwear every day without fail.”