Friday, February 6, 2009

So, what happened to the moose? (#2)

First of all, several people have asked me about the moose. I’m sorry to report that the moose, whom we posthumously named “Fredo,” did not survive the accident which, incidentally, was also directly responsible for the destruction of my convertible top and a very nice fedora. The club briefly considered adopting a moose tattoo to complement existing club tattoos in honor of Fredo, but after thinking about it for a few minutes, we decided to go with something a little smaller.

Also, several women, upon learning of the existence of the "Good Man Club," have also inquired as to the availability of membership for females. Allow me to say that this fact alone contributed to the untimely ascent to the heavenly reward of two of our members. Well, former members. In the first case, the unfortunate former member happened to be playing mumblety-peg at the exact moment this exciting news was imparted to the membership at large, and in the extremity of his excitement was impaled by his own blade, which will be enshrined in the “(Used To Be A) Good Man” memorial garden in a solemn ceremony next Tuesday evening. The second member to shuffle off this mortal coil did so purposefully at the behest of his imaginary girlfriend Louise, who is thought to have been whipped into an insane jealous rage by the news that her host would soon be in contact with actual living women. This theory is unsubstantiated, and will undoubtedly remain so, as Louise is no longer available for comment.

With that sad news out of the way, it is my pleasure and privilege to announce that an affiliate organization is being chartered for the purpose of providing distaff membership privileges to the “Good Woman Club.” A committee is being formed to recruit what can only be described as a chairwoman to head the board of the new organization. This committee would actually have been formed already were it not for the fact that the majority of committee candidates are too busy shaving and bathing to actually attend the meeting. This temporary condition should be resolved as soon as Bill gets back from Walgreen’s with a fresh supply of Axe Body Wash, Gillette razors, and Edge Advanced. Applicants for the position of chairwoman should apply at the Socks & Tights department at the nearest Old Navy franchise, and will incidentally be issued 15% off coupons for all Women’s Floral Trouser Socks.

Qualifications for membership in the “Good Woman Club” include the following:
1. Candidates must be a woman.
2. Candidates must also be good, as defined by Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary, i.e. morally excellent, virtuous, righteous, and generally awesome. As some of these terms are open to interpretation, it has been suggested by members of the affiliate committee who have already finished shaving that being generally awesome is sufficient qualification for membership.
3. Candidates must be willing to wear the official badge of membership. As male and female anatomies differ significantly, it is not reasonable to expect that the female equivalent of the badge location employed by members of the “Good Man Club” be used for badge display. Therefore, a separate committee is being formed to determine an alternative badge display location. This committee will convene immediately upon announcement of the winners of the arm wrestling match, and will begin examining potential badge display locations with the assistance of a group of female volunteers currently being sought for this purpose.

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